The year: 1980. The place: A bedroom that included a doorknob-shaped hole in the wall, a Kool-Aid stain on the carpet and a new AM/FM clock radio. The event: The lowest-quality recording ever of Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust.”
02/15/2008Humor Me: Celebs rule elections, too In nine months, another presidential election will be over, and Americans will have made their choice. That choice, judging by the debates, straw polls and number of people who believe Condoleezza Rice is a side dish at Chili’s, will be this: To not vote.02/08/2008Humor Me: Why I hate Valentine's Day Just a few days left to find a Valentine’s Day gift. Fortunately for guys, the desperate retailers of America have made it clear how to hit the mark.02/01/2008Humor Me: Baby, it's a world of wonders
When my first son was born, it was like a magic act. I prepared for the big event, of course, and I knew it was going to happen. But when the moment came, it still felt like some kind of illusion. Ta-dah! … It’s a baby. Well, after last week, I’ve been through it three times. But previous experience didn’t change anything.
As another Super Bowl approaches, it’s time to roll out the predictions. Will the New England Patriots be champs? Will the New York Giants pull an upset? Will a commercial proclaim to change the world with an even cleaner, closer shave? Excellent questions, football fans. But I’m going to start with a question I know I can answer: Will the Super Bowl broadcast include video of a rattlesnake and a cactus?
In a few weeks, my wife and I will welcome our third son into the world. Yes, we’re very excited. But to be clear, and not get elbowed in the ribs, I’ll point out that we’re not pregnant.
Please gather around, kids. Our show will begin in a few minutes, and because I want this Christmas play to be the best one ever, we need to go over a few things.
When I was a kid helping my dad put up Christmas lights, I knew that one day my own house would have a dazzling display. A display so amazing that traffic would back up in front of my house as people landed their flying cars to get a better look. Amazing Christmas lights
Happy holidays! Just wanted to pass along my annual letter that wishes you a joyous holiday season and, more important, points out how my family had another mind-blowing year that should make you insanely jealous.
Another Thanksgiving is just a few days away. A time for food, family and that special feeling that comes from the arrival of our holiday guests: Salmonella and E. coli.
My phone conversations with my dad usually follow the same pattern. There’s weather talk, followed by sports, politics, updates on the grandkids and, finally, an awkward silence that ends with, “Hold on, I think your mother wants to talk to you.”
As another Halloween approaches, it's time to address a common question surrounding trick-or-treating: "Does anyone really eat candy corn, or is it like a Christmas fruitcake that gets re-gifted each year?" Actually, I don't have an answer for that. So let's move on to another common question, which is being asked this week by a large crop of potential trick-or-treaters who no longer fit into a Dora the Explorer costume.
Wonton Food Inc. produces millions of fortune cookies each day. That makes it the fortune cookie king of America, and therefore, "soon to be showered with good luck" and "destined for many exciting adventures!"
The 2007 Neiman Marcus Christmas Book has been public for nearly two weeks, and this is my first mention of it. I apologize for that, because although the sun can still bond lip balm to pennies in my car's cupholder, it's dangerous to fall behind on the Christmas season.
On the morning of his 5th birthday last week, my son gave me the bad news. He had forgotten to invite me to the party. "But you can still come," Ryan said. It was nice to be included, especially for something in my own home.
The average Dallas-area commuter now loses 58 hours a year to rush-hour traffic. That's according to the Texas Transportation Institute, which computed the number with things such as "travel-time indexes," "free-flow speeds" and the "density of four-letter words in vehicular conversations."
09/21/2007Humor Me: Your fall TV preview The fall television season begins in earnest this week, marked by the return of the shows you love and the shows you hate. Also returning: the promos for the shows you hate that flash on the screen during the shows you love.09/14/2007Humor Me: 'Bless' you can be contagious
As the allergy season begins, it’s a good time to admit it. You’ve sneezed, not heard a “God bless you!” and felt cheated. It’s ridiculous, of course. But when the co-worker next to you sneezed, you had the courtesy to send her a blessing.
09/07/2007Humor Me: Life changes, tattoos don't Now that college freshmen have spent a few weeks on campus, they’re probably getting the hang of things. They might, however, have some questions about higher education. 08/31/2007Humor Me: Baldly going where no man ... First thing to point out in today’s column is that, yes, that’s me in the photo. It’s just that my new column photo has an obvious difference from the last one: I’m wearing a new shirt.
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