11:42 AM CDT on Sunday, May 21, 2006

Brenden Thayer wrote the following journal as part of his drug treatment. His father found it after his son died of a heroin overdose. The contents are reproduced as Brenden wrote them, including misspellings and missing words. However, curse words have been edited.

Admission

Section 1

1 I am enrolled because my life is out of control and I can’t manage by my own will, it is too much for me to handle in my own hands. A disease does not fight itself. Addiction is my most powerful weakness and my ignorance has been exploiting this. Being kicked out of my school led me to having to take an assestment on my co-dependency which I realize was worse than I thought having someone else tell me the extent of it. So anyway in conclusion, this is my first attempt at recovery.

2 First and most of all my substance problem as well as reclusiveness which I think was greatly helped by using at such a young age. Some unresolved feelings are handling my mom’s illness and having to live without her while she lives in a nursing home with my sister, my dad, and me as her only family down here and only seeing her a few times a month.

3 My goals are simple, I want to learn and understand the things that I have been oblivious to and be able to understand what the reason is I feel its is necessary to smoke or use for what I think is just fun and isn’t hurting everyone I love around me. I want to learn how I never had to use or thought about even using as a kid and why I was so happy then even though it seemed like stuff was worse or harder back then when I was just finding out how hard life is. Also to get closer to sober people.

4 a. It has seem to cause distance between everybody and inability to express feelings to one another because of fear I guess? Also a lot of elephants kept from other family because of embarrassment.

b. Caused me to care less about my grades and wanting to rush having fun all the time to make me happy. I just always seem to have my happy face on at all times. Also, not respecting teachers as much as (unintellible word).

c. All in all I’ve carried the same friends throughout my life, but it was always the more type of people who were different and always kind of had our own way and fun and we were branded the reputation as druggies first in middle school when I first began using.

d. Physically I don’t think I have suffered except for my brain due to use.

e. Sexually I would use girls physically before I even thought about how it might effect them emotionally by what I did.

f. I’ve been ticketed a couple of times and arrested once and 2 of those times I was drunk and high off my a**. I have done a few other thing on top of that which I never was caught for like stealing from a store, breaking and entering, and other kinds of theft and other close calls while being searched for substances that I had in my possession.

4 The issue I am most reluctant to work on is expressing and communicating my fears better.

Section 2

1 Bribing my parent for more money in dealing or letting me stay somewhere they knew wasn’t smart.

2 Whenever I get mad at my parents for them giving me s*** for using or not letting me do what I want.

3 I have attempted to control my anger over things like #3 or someone gets me to a point I just explode and go crazy by saying things I shouldn’t or doing things I shouldn’t or just breaking s*** or people.

Resentment:

1 Government

By corroding and limiting our freedoms each and every day

Being a law breaking citizen

2 Disease

Taking my mother & other people

50% chance of getting it and watching it take my mother

3 Drugs

For making itself the primary focus in my life

letting them take control

4 Vacuum Sealers

Making it possible for anyone to send drugs through mail

receiving bud in the mail across international borders

5 Hollywood

For making our country stupid

watching their shows or movies

6 Movies that glorify drug use

Making drugs seem alright and glorifying using

making those movies my favorite

7 Not being able to care for my mom

Inable to provide the care my mom needs to be able to live with us

putting her in a nursing home

8 Myself

For being her older brother and not being a better role model

being her older brother

Fears:

1 Fear of confinement (jails, prisons, rehabs (inpatient))

2 Fear of death

3 Fear of disease (Huntington’s)

4 Worthlessness

5 Stage fright

6 Commitment

7 Rejection

8 Guns

9 Power

These fears have limited me from doing certain things that I want to such as stage fright limits me from having courage to play music or act on stage, but they are not as tough as some other fears. Some fears like commitment to something scare me because I know I have to give up something. Such as when I came to this program (Imagine) I wasn’t serious about giving up the things they told me I would have to like drugs, my friends, and pretty much the lifestyle I was living at the time. But, as I progressed in the program and after the whole relapse, my first ever relapse that is, it shocked me into how serious commiting to something was. It scared me, I’ve commited to girlfriends and maybe rationing my stash or something until I cheated on them and took more drugs than I said I would, but this was the first ever real commitment I had to make because it was pretty the choice of do I want to save my life or ruin it by continuing down the road I was headed? And albeit it scared me and I was afraid of how I would be as a person pretty much dropping most or all of my friends and kicking the greatest, most important thing to me at the time. Now I deal with the fear of possibly having Huntington’s disease which my mother is currently faced with and is dying from.

Negative beliefs of self:

1 That laziness and procrastination I possess that limit me from doing certain things; others and myself

2 That I can’t be perfect so I am worthless; self

3 My ignorance has led my sister down a bad path much like the path I was on; myself

4 My absentmindedness separates me or makes me feel less intelligent around others; self

5 My laziness and inhibition will make me poor and miserable when I’m older; myself

6 Stealing from friends and family and using drugs because I am one of the few in my family to use so others sort of look down upon me. Going to jail and drug treatment which my family outside of my immediate does not know about. Using with my little sister making her turned on to drugs. When I took my cousin with me and my friend and asking him to smoke knowing he didn’t and pulling out my stash infront of him. Not wanting to go see my mom at the nursing home because I was too f***** up or too hungover and coming off of drugs. Even my parents noticed mood swings when I was using. Stealing money as well as alcohol from parents. Bribing to my parents for drug money. Lying to my parents about what I was doing and where I was going. Spending birthday money they gave me for gifts to contribute to my dealing. Stealing seeds from my uncle and snooping his house for his stash. Anytime I sneaked alcohol form them or my parents. Trying to get other people to use. Causing my family hurt and harm for what I was doing while using. Making my family worry and making them dish out money for s*** I now regret.

7 I want to let go of my past and my resentments toward the world. I want to let go of fate and how my mom and many other people on that side of my family were given the s***** disease that robs them of their lives. I want to let go of the fact of having to put my mom in a nursing home because none of us could manage to take care of her down here and how we are the only people who visit her while the rest of her entire family lives in New York and how we can not always see and visit her and how we weren’t able to take her home on Christmas because she was not able enough to leave the nursing home. I want to let go of things such as not being able to be the best or the greatest or the richest, whatever it may be…I can only be me and not anyone else. Also, that I can not change my old friends in what they do because it is their life, but I know I cannot hangout wit them because I know how it will change me or at least influence me to go back to my old self defeating habits. I want to let go of whatever makes me think procrastinating will get things done when they need to be and my laziness that prevents me from accomplishing certain things. That my absentmindedness separates me from other people or makes me feel “left out” in a way. The fact that I am capable of doing things, but once again my laziness or whatever it may be limits me from accomplishing those things. How I corrupted myself for a 1/4 of my life into thinking that the only real way to handle things and have fun is to use drugs and alcohol and how it blinded me from the real problems and made me think there was nothing wrong and everyone just does what I do. How I got the mindset of everyone else is retarded and corrupt, but I wasn’t when it was the other way around. I want to let go of how I want everything to be perfect because it can get annoying at times and nothing is ever completely perfect. I do not like my self-defeating personality that takes over at times, but that also goes back to my desire for things to be perfect.

8 The things I like about myself is my openmindedness for one, because without it I’m not sure if I would be where I am today or even here at all. To work a program and deal with the things I have to, I think is essential to possess this characteristic. Things like spirituality and prayer have been easier for me to understand I think than someone who is bullheaded and everything must be on their terms, a narrowminded person. In addition to this, I think outgoingness has a lot to do with being openminded, although my reclusiveness is something I tend to favor. I like to experiment or try new things no matter what it really may be. This contributes my eclectic variety of music I enjoy listening to and playing. I enjoy a wide-ranging variety of music. I like my hands because they are perfect for my love of musical instruments.

9 The thing I most need to let go of is what fate has given my mother and some of her family. I can’t control this and the only good way to handle the situation is through prayer and just acceptance because she is still and will always be my mom. Stuff like the role model of myself to my sister by turning her on to drugs at a young and impressionable age. I am going to be release my desire for perfection because I know nothing can ever satisfy it and substitute it with the mentality that nothing is perfect. I want to let go of the fact that I put my parents through so much hurt and hassle for nothing when all I can do now is say I’m sorry and will not be so ignorant.

10 I think up until recently in use I was a very self-destructive person because obviously of using but also not too much care for self like hygiene and just all the laziness and apathy that comes with drug addiction. Not only to myself, but also treating others like s***. Now I have come to understand priorities and how you treat yourself reflects on other people and their opinions of you. I take care of myself well although probably don’t exercise as I should, but now it is very important to me.

11 Using, doing the things I knew were wrong, how I used to treat myself badly like thinking the only use I was was dealing and doing drugs. Exploiting the things I don’t like about myself to feel bad about self.

Taking girls virginity and leaving them

Taking drugs that were given me

People stealing cds and dvds from my house

probably to pawn

Fear of loneliness & rejection

Fear of relapse & dying

Fear of disease & family dying

Fear of siblings doing wrong

Stealing things from people I know and didn’t know

F****** up peoples houses

Using heroin around friends & family